Thursday, August 23, 2012
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
- When doesn‘t a telephone work underwater?
When it‘s wringing wet!
- Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.“
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?“
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?“
Tech Support:: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?“
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click‘ and I wrote ‘click‘.“
- Customer: “I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.“ Tech Support:: “Did you install the update?“
Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?“
- Customer:: “I‘m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.“ Tech Support:: “Tell me what you‘ve done.“
Customer: “I typed ‘A:SETUP‘.“
Tech Support:: “Ma‘am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.“
Customer:: “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk‘.“
Tech Support:: “Insert the MS Word setup disk.“
Tech Support: “Did you buy MS word?“
- Mike went to office and called to his house over phone. Servant had taken the receiver.
Mike: Who is speaking?
Servant : Servant Sir.
Mike: Where is the Madam?
Mike: She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.
Mike: What? I am her husband came to office today.
Servant: What can I do now sir?
Mike: Open the cupboard, pick the Gun, shoot both of them, come back and tell me, till then I am waiting in the line. After some time … there come 2 shooting sounds … after that …
Servant: Yes, I did Sir. But what can I do next Sir?
Mike: Open the back door, throw both of them into the swimming pool
Servant: There is no swimming pool in our house Sir
Mike: What…? No swimming pool?
Servant: Yes Sir
Mike: Sorry, wrong number !!!!!!!!
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.
- Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
- WHAT DID THE GHOST SAY TO THE BEE?
- Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.
- Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
- Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.
- What‘s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of “Executives“ was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that “too many people were steering and not enough rowing.“ To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to “4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager“ and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. “We must give him empowerment and enrichment.“ That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.
They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.
Now let‘s just hope that the unemployment rate doesn‘t change.
There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.
The first beggar wrote “Beggar“ on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.
The next day, the second beggar wrote “Beggar.com“ on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.
The following day, the third beggar wrote “e-Beg“ on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.
Mr. Jones was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman‘s office. Since George, the foreman, wasn‘t around, Jones stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing. The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.
Jones stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. “You!“ he boomed. “How much do you make a week?“
The young man looked up indifferently. “Two hundred and fifty dollars,“ he said.
Jones swooped into the cashier‘s office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. “Take it,“ he said, “and get out! Don‘t let me see you around here again!“
The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left. Jones snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found him, Jones was red with anger.“That idler in front of your office,“ Jones said. “I just gave him a week‘s pay and fired him. What‘s the matter with you, letting him stand around as though he had nothing to do?“
“You mean the kid in the red shirt?“ George asked.
“Yes! The kid in the red shirt!“
“He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch,“ George said. “He works for the coffee shop around the corner.“
- Once a peon of an office trying to speak in English to a guest. Then the guest appreciate him and told “From where you have learned to talk English?”
The peon replied “I have learned, ‘You understand?’ from our MD, ‘I love you’ from the TV and ‘Good Morning’ from our receptionist madam.
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter‘s
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle
this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit joking,“ snickered one. “You didn‘t really do that, did you?“
“You would never get through basic training,“ scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?“
During the occupation of Japan, a young GI fell in love with a beautiful Japanese girl. After many months of courtship, they wanted to get married. The U.S. government did not like to have mixed marriages, but they continued to fight for their love rights.
One afternoon the CO called Jo into his office and gave him the good news that it was a go. Blossom‘s parents would only give their blessing if the couple would have a traditional Japanese ceremony. They both agreed.
The day arrived and Blossom dressed in her wedding kimono. She made a beautiful bride.
That evening in their hotel room, Blossom began to undress. With each piece of outer clothing she would take off she would say, “Excuse Please.“
Then all her underclothes and again, “Excuse Please.“
She was down to her stockings, when she bent over to take them off and expelled some gas.
So embarrassed Blossom exclaimed, “Oh so sorry! Excuse please. Front hole so happy, back hole had to whistle!“
Army basic trainees at Fort McClellan were required to go on a demanding 12-mile march. They got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of their packs, they wondered if the end would ever come.
“Men,” our sergeant yelled, “You‘re doing a FINE job. We‘ve already covered four miles!”
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
“And,” continued Sarge, “we should reach the starting point any minute now.”
A USMC sniper was real good at his job, and he had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, BANG - one less insurgent!
After every mission the company commander would ask “How many insurgents have you shot today?“
However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported “Five killed and I let one go, sir.“
“Let one go?“ roared the company commander. “What do you mean, you let one go?“
“Well, sir, I yelled out ‘Osama is a Homo!‘ Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled ‘Hillary is a Bitch!‘ I just couldn‘t shoot a fellow Republican!“
The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Caroline to see who would donate the most blood.
After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well.
As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel.
Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook his head, saying, “I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat.“
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn‘t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones‘s sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don‘t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.“
“Now,“ he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?“
What do you get when you cross a mexican with an octopuss?
I don‘t know but it could pick lettuce good.
- A Mexican, who speaks no English, comes to the USA. As is often the case, he finds that he needs new socks. So, he walks into a clothing store, and manages to convey to the clerk that he needs something, but not exactly what.
So, the clerk starts taking down boxes and showing what‘s inside to the Mexican. He shows him a shirt, some pants, a tie, a hat, but each time the Mexican shakes his head and says “No.“
Finally, the clerk brings down a box of socks and shows them to the Mexican. The Mexican starts nodding vigorously and says “¡Eso sí que es!“
The clerk angrily blurts out, “Well why didn‘t you just spell it in the first place?!“
- Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?“ The German responds, “I will take oil!“ So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?“ “I will take nothing!“ says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. “What will you take on your back?“ the Amazons ask the American. He responds, “I‘ll take the Mexican.“
- What Do You Get When You Cross A Mexican And A Dumb Blonde?
A Kid Who Spraypaints His Name On A Chain Link Fence.
Q. Why doesnt mexico have a olympic team?
A. Because every mexican that can run, jump, and swim is already across the border!
- There‘s A Deer And A Mexican Lying Dead In The Road, Whats The Difference? There Is Skid Marks In Front Of The Deer.
- A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, “Mom, look - I‘m a white boy!“ His mom slaps him in the face and says, “Go show your father.“ He goes to his dad in the living room and says, “Look Dad, I‘m a white boy.“ His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, “Go show your grandmother.“ The boy goes into his grandmother‘s room and say, “Mira, Abuelita, I‘m a white boy.“ His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, “See, did you learn anything from that?“ To which the boy replies, “Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!“
- What kind of cans are there in Mexico?
- A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.
His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: “Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family…“
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet!
“Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!“ he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.
“But wouldn‘t you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?“ she inquires.
“No,“ the husband says, “Jesus sent this to me with a message… As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yell, ‘ THAT‘S NACHO CHEESE! THAT‘S NACHO CHEESE!‘
- “Honey, I‘ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don‘t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I‘ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don‘t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?“
His lovely new bride said, “No, that‘s fine with me. Just understand that there‘ll be sex here at eight o‘clock every night - whether you‘re here or not.“
Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh.
He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, “Are Banta Singh!
What the heck‘s going‘ on? Why are you scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?“ Scared Banta replies. “Yeah, but you‘ve got a *driver.* “
- A Sardar received an invitation, to a party
which said â€œBlack Tie Onlyâ€�!!
When he went to the party he was surprised to
find the other invitees wearing trousers and shirts
as well !!!!
- A sardar is traveling via train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, which happens to have a mirror in the front. The sardar thinks there is another sardar bhaiwaal in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat. 5 minutes later he goes again, only to find the same sardar bhaiwaal. An hour passes away, he‘s made 20 trips to the bathroom, only to find that the same person is still there. So he finally gets ticked off, goes to the last
compartment and tells the TC (Ticket Checker) what‘s been going on. The TC, which also happens to be a sardar, feels bad for him and promises to throw the bum out. The TC walks down to the compartment with the troubled bathroom to get the resident bhaiwaal out. Few minutes later the TC comes back and tell the sardar “I‘m
sorry, I can‘t do anything. The guy in there is a railway staff member“.
- Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed, santa Singh‘s frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Santa used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Banta singh thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Banta singh was visting Santa‘s family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he‘d worn the day Santa died. “You know,“ he said, “Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven‘t read it, but knowing Santa, I‘m sure there‘s a word of inspiration there for us all.“ He unfolded the note and read aloud, “You‘re standing on my oxygen tube!“
A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, “I ask you a question, and if you don‘t know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa.“ Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.
The American, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don‘t know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don‘t know the answer, I will pay you $500.“
This catches the Sardarji‘s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The American asks the first question: “What‘s the distance from the earth to the moon?“ The Sardarji doesn‘t say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.
“Okay,“ says the American, “your turn“.
He asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?“ The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences……..no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress… no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500. The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, “Well, what‘s the answer?“ Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.