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Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Funny / Dirty / Clean Little Johnny Jokes

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  • Little Johnny‘s teacher asks, “What is the chemical formula for water?“

    Little Johnny replies, “HIJKLMNO“!!

    The teacher, puzzled, asks, “What on Earth are you talking about?“

    Little Johnny replies, “Yesterday you said it was H to O!“

  • Little Johnny once asked his teacher “Do hearts have legs?.“

    The teacher answered “Why do you ask that?“

    Johnny replied “Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs.“

  • Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:

    “One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two.“
    “Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.“
    “Three and three… “

    His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.

    His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny‘s classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny‘s mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny‘s different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

    The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn‘t understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, “Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two.“

  • The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,“ she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer‘s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.“

    “Very good,“ said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines,“ she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.“

    “Very good, Jenny,“ said the teacher.

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny‘s turn. The teacher held her breath.

    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher‘s desk. “$2,467,“ he said.

    “$2,467!“ cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?“

    “Toothbrushes,“ said Little Johnny.

    “Toothbrushes,“ echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?“

    “I found the busiest corner in town,“ said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like shit!“

    Then I would say, “It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?“

  • Little Johnny‘s father said, “let me see your report card.“
    Johnny replied, “I don‘t have it.“
    “Why not?“ His father asked.
    “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.“

  • One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.
    She said, “The sky is definately blue!“
    “I‘m sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?“
    Timmy raised his hand and said, “The grass is definately green.“
    “I‘m sorry Timmy that‘s not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?“
    Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Teacher do farts have lumps?“
    The teacher says, “no why?“
    Johnny says, “Then I definitely Shit my pants!“

  • A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!“

    Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

    Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,

    “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!“