Funny, Dirty, Yo mama, Blonde Jokes/Joke - Funny, Love, Free, Dirty SMS

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Sunday, December 6, 2009

Funny / Foxworthy Redneck Jokes, Humor and Comedy

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  • You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

    . . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s.

    . . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

    . . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

    . . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

    . . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

    . . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.

    . . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

    . . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

  • A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, “I resent that!“

    The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.

    The redneck looked at him and said, “ You stay outta this, I‘‘m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!

  • An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?“ The waitress nodded “yes,“ so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

    The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?“ The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “my treat.“

    The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there sweet thang. How‘s about gettin‘ me a cold glass of Coke!“ He too looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God‘s boy over there?“ The waitress once again nodded that it was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, “on my bill.“

    As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.“ The Irishman felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and danced a jig right out the door.

    Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.“ The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

    Then Jesus walked up to the Redneck.

    The Redneck jumped up and yelled, “Don‘t touch me… I‘m drawin‘ disability!“

  • BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

    BAR CODE - Them‘s the fight‘n rules down at the local tavern

    BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

    BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

    CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

    CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

    TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

    CRASH - When you go to Junior‘s party uninvited

    DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

    DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

    FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

    HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

    HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

    INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

    KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

    MAC - Big Bubba‘s favorite fast food

    MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

    MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

    MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

    NETWORK - Scoop‘n up a big fish before it breaks the line

    ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

    ROM - Where the pope lives

    SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

    SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

    SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak‘s Employee of the year

    SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

  • Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, “chickens.“

    “Chickens, eh?“ says one guy. “Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?“

    “Heck,“ says the guy with the bag, “iffin you guess right, I‘ll give you both of ‘em.“

    The other scratches his head and guesses, “Um… five?“