You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s.
. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.
A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, “I resent that!“
The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.
The redneck looked at him and said, “ You stay outta this, I‘‘m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?“ The waitress nodded “yes,“ so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?“ The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “my treat.“
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there sweet thang. How‘s about gettin‘ me a cold glass of Coke!“ He too looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God‘s boy over there?“ The waitress once again nodded that it was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, “on my bill.“
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.“ The Irishman felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and danced a jig right out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.“ The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked up to the Redneck.
The Redneck jumped up and yelled, “Don‘t touch me… I‘m drawin‘ disability!“
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them‘s the fight‘n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior‘s party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba‘s favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop‘n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak‘s Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, “chickens.“
“Chickens, eh?“ says one guy. “Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?“
“Heck,“ says the guy with the bag, “iffin you guess right, I‘ll give you both of ‘em.“
The other scratches his head and guesses, “Um… five?“
