Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution.
They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.
“Give me the best French wine and French bread,“ he requested.
So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian‘s turn.
“Give me a great big plate of pasta,“ said the Italian.
So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew‘s turn.
“I want a big bowl of strawberries, “ said the Jew.
“Strawberries!!! They aren‘t even in season!“
“Nu, so I‘ll wait…“
Morris calls his son in NY and says,“ Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don‘t want to discuss it. I‘m merely telling you because you‘re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I‘ve made up my mind, I‘m divorcing Mama.“
The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. “I don‘t want to get into it. My mind is made up.“
“But Dad, you just can‘t decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?“
“It‘s too painful to talk about it. I only called because you‘re my son, and I thought you should know. I really don‘t want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain.“
“But where‘s Mama? Can I talk to her?“
“No I don‘t want you to say anything to her about it. I haven‘t told her yet. Believe me it hasn‘t been easy. I‘ve agonized over it for several days, and I‘ve finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.“
“Dad, don‘t do anything rash. I‘m going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won‘t do anything until I get there.“
“Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I‘ll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can‘t bear to talk about it anymore.“
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. “Benny told me That you don‘t want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won‘t do anything until we both get there.“
After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, “Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?“
A Jewish boy comes home to his mother and tells her he has met a wonderful girl, and they are to be married.
“Oh, that‘s nice“ says Momma. “And what is this girls name?“
The son tells her that his fiancee is a Native American and is called Little Running Deer.
“That‘s nice, honey“ says Momma, trying to keep a straight face.
The son then tells his momma that he wants to be called by his “new“ Native American name too, and that from now on she should call him “Swift Flying Arrow“.
“OK, honey, whatever you wish“ says Momma.
Then the son says, “You should get a Native American name too, Momma“.
“I‘ve already got one,“ replies Momma. “It‘s Big Sitting Shiva“.
A Jew and a non-Jew are traveling on a train together when suddenly the goy asks “Why are you Jews so smart?“
The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says “its because of all the herring we eat.“
A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it.
The goy asks “how much herring do you have?“ and the Jew answers “a dozen pieces“.
“And how much do you want for a piece?“
“20 kopecks“ (a lot of money).
The man hands the money over and the Jew gives him a piece of herring.
“He takes a bite and says suddenly “I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few kopecks“.
To this the Jew responds “see… your getting smarter already.“
A young Jewish man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder. “Every thought I have turns to my mother,“ he told the psychiatrist. “As soon as I fall asleep and being to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast.“
The psychiatrist replied, “What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?“
There was a young fellow who emigrated from Russia to Texas. He worked hard and prospered. He had a good life and sent for his father to join him.
His father looked like a religious Jew. The son decided he‘d be happier if his appearance were more that of a native Texan. So, he brought him into a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. He then had him fitted with a tall Texan hat.
After all that, he noticed his father was crying. When his son asked why, his dad relied, “I‘m crying because we lost the Alamo“.