There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.“
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!“
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren‘t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.“
“Yes,“ the wife said, “I promised. I‘m a good Christian, I can‘t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.“
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?“
“I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.“
There was once a bird who wanted to defy the norm. It was winter and no he wasn‘t going to fly south. After a few days in the cold blizzards, he couldn‘t take it anymore and started off to the south. Halfway there his wings froze and he plummeted to the ground below. He knew he was a goner and he made the dumbest mistake ever. Soon a horse passed by and crapped on the small bird. The heat of the shit warmed him and defrosted his wings. Finally able to breathe and move freely, the bird was ecstatic and chirping in joy. A cat in a nearby bush heard the bird and pounced on the bird, swallowing him in one gulp.
Moral of the Story: Everyone who shits on you doesn‘t mean that their you‘re enemy. Everyone who gets you out of shit aren‘t necessarily your friend.And, if you‘re warm and happy in a pile of shit….keep your mouth shut!
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student‘s immediate family.
A ‘smart‘ student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?“
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
“Well,“ he responded, “I guess you‘ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.“
There was this cat who loved to get drunk, so he went to the bar down town on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.
The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks he doesn‘t notice a train as it is coming his way. The cat starts to cross the track and the train is right on him. Just as he crosses, the train goes on by, but the cat was not all the way over and the train ran over the his tail, the cat turns it‘s head to see were his tail is and the train cuts his head clean off.
Moral of the Story: DON‘T LOSS YOUR HEAD OVER A LITTLE PIECE OF TAIL!
An old woman came into her doctor‘s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they‘re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I‘ve been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?“
“Here‘s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.“
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson‘s office. “Doctor, I don‘t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I‘m doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?“
“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,“ said the doctor soothingly. “Now that we‘ve fixed your sinuses, we‘ll work on your hearing!!!“