Funny Men and Women Sexist Jokes

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• What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
  A widow.

• What‘s the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women‘s clinic?
  The god damned dishes if she knows what‘s good for her.

  Why do women get married in white?
  So they match the kitchen appliances!

  Why is clinton gonna lose the election?
  Cause she is a woman

  Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
  Walking the dog is relaxing.

• How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
  None. Let the do the ironing in the dark.

  How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
  11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it.

  How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  Who knows; they never get the house.

  How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

  What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?
  Slap her.

• What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
  A battery has a positive side.

  What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? made the chain too long.

  A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says “what seems to be the problem officer?“ the cop looks bluntly at him and says “are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?“ the man let out a sigh “thank for that i thought i had gone deaf!“

  Why did the woman cross the road?
  Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

• DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN‘S PERSONAL ADS

  40-ish…………………………49
  Adventurous…………………Slept with all your friends
  Athletic……………………….No
  Average looking……………..Ugly
  Beautiful………………………Pathological liar
  Contagious Smile…………….Does a lot of pills
  Emotionally secure…………..On medication
  Feminist……………………….Fat
  Free spirit……………………..Junkie
  Friendship first……………….Former
  Fun…………………………….Annoying
  Gentle…………………………Dull
  New Age………………………Body hair in the wrong places
  Open-minded…………………Desperate
  Outgoing………………………Loud and Embarrassing
  Passionate……………………Sloppy drunk
  Poet……………………………Depressive
  Romantic………………………Frigid
  Voluptuous……………………Very Fat
  Large frame…………………..Hugely Fat
  Wants Soul mate…………….Stalker
  Widow…………………………Murderer

  WOMEN‘S ENGLISH

  1. Yes = No
  2. No = Yes
  3. Maybe = No
  4. We need = I want
  5. I am sorry = you‘ll be sorry
  6. We need to talk = you‘re in trouble
  7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
  8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
  9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
  10. You‘re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

  MEN‘S ENGLISH

  1. I am hungry = I am hungry
  2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
  3. I am tired = I am tired
  4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
  5. I love you = let‘s have sex now
  6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
  7. May I have this dance? = I‘d like to have sex with you
  8. Can I call you sometime? = I‘d like to have sex with you
  9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I‘d like to have sex with you
  10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I‘d like to have sex with you
  11. Those shoes don‘t go with that outfit = I‘m gay

  And finally…..

  A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
  For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
  However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

• There were these three women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, that had just escaped from prison. There was a farm close to the prison and the three women headed for it to hide. So as the police were chasing them, they found a barn with three big flour sacks. Big enough for them to hide in, so they each got in a sack. The police came around to search the barn, they were about to leave when one officer suggested that they check those three flour bags. A policemen went up to the first bag and kicked it, the brunette replied, “Bark, bark!“. The policemen concluded that there were only dogs in this bag. He went to the second bag and kicked it and the redhead said, “Meow, meow!“. The policemen concluded that there were only cats in this bag. He went to the third bag and kicked it and the blonde said, “Potatoes, potatoes!“

• A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
  A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn‘t need

  A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
  A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
  A successful woman is one who can find such a man

  To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
  To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

  Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die

  A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn‘t
  A man marries a woman expecting that she won‘t change but she does