A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: ‘What are you doing dear?‘
Husband: ‘Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females‘Wife: ‘How do you know which gender they were?‘
Husband: ‘Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone‘
The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.“
The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.“
The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.“
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, “We‘ve found your problem.“
“Oh yeah? What is it?“ asks the retiree.
“You‘ve broken your finger!“
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?“ the reporter asked.
She simply replied, “No peer pressure.“
- A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn‘t help noticing how happy you look“, she said. “What‘s your secret for a long happy life?“ “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day“, he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.“ “That‘s amazing“, the woman said. “How old are you?“ “Twenty-six“, he said.
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:
“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
“They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don‘t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.
They play games and do exercises there, but they don‘t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don‘t know how to swim.
At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can‘t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.“
