Funny, Dirty, Yo mama, Blonde Jokes/Joke - Funny, Love, Free, Dirty SMS

Funny Text / Mobile / Cell Phone Jokes

2010-11-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for phone jokes, cell phone jokes than you are at right place.Here you can also find phone joke, funny cell phone jokes, jokes for cell phone, mobile phone jokes, phones jokes, cell phone joke, cell phones jokes, free phone jokes, text phone jokes, funny phone jokes, jokes for mobile phones, jokes for phone, phone dirty jokes, dirty cell phone jokes, jokes on phone, prank phone jokes, joke phone number . So enjoy your stay here.

When doesn‘t a telephone work underwater?
When it‘s wringing wet!

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.“

Customer “Ok.“

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?“

Customer: “No.“

Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?“

Customer “No.“

Tech Support:: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?“

Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click‘ and I wrote ‘click‘.“

Customer: “I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.“
Tech Support:: “Did you install the update?“

Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?“

Customer:: “I‘m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.“
Tech Support:: “Tell me what you‘ve done.“

Customer: “I typed ‘A:SETUP‘.“

Tech Support:: “Ma‘am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.“

Customer:: “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk‘.“

Tech Support:: “Insert the MS Word setup disk.“

Customer:: “What?“

Tech Support: “Did you buy MS word?“

Customer: “No…“

Mike went to office and called to his house over phone. Servant had taken the receiver.

Mike: Who is speaking?

Servant : Servant Sir.

Mike: Where is the Madam?

Mike: She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.

Mike: What? I am her husband came to office today.

Servant: What can I do now sir?

Mike: Open the cupboard, pick the Gun, shoot both of them, come back and tell me, till then I am waiting in the line. After some time … there come 2 shooting sounds … after that …

Servant: Yes, I did Sir. But what can I do next Sir?

Mike: Open the back door, throw both of them into the swimming pool

Servant: There is no swimming pool in our house Sir

Mike: What…? No swimming pool?

Servant: Yes Sir

Mike: Sorry, wrong number !!!!!!!!

Funny/Clean/Dirty/Short/Best One Liner/Liners Jokes

2010-11-09T21:34:00.000-08:00

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Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause?

A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

WHAT DID THE GHOST SAY TO THE BEE?
BOO-BEE

Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?

A. They don’t have time.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.

What‘s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud

Funny Office Jokes /April Fool Jokes/ Work Jokes and WorkPlace Humor

2010-11-09T21:30:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for office jokes than you are at right place. Here you can also find april fools office jokes, office practical jokes, clean office jokes, short office jokes, office humor jokes . So enjoy your stay here.

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of “Executives“ was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that “too many people were steering and not enough rowing.“ To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to “4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager“ and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. “We must give him empowerment and enrichment.“ That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.

They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.

Now let‘s just hope that the unemployment rate doesn‘t change.

There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.

The first beggar wrote “Beggar“ on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.

The next day, the second beggar wrote “Beggar.com“ on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.

The following day, the third beggar wrote “e-Beg“ on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

Mr. Jones was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman‘s office. Since George, the foreman, wasn‘t around, Jones stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing. The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.

Jones stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. “You!“ he boomed. “How much do you make a week?“

The young man looked up indifferently. “Two hundred and fifty dollars,“ he said.

Jones swooped into the cashier‘s office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. “Take it,“ he said, “and get out! Don‘t let me see you around here again!“

The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left. Jones snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found him, Jones was red with anger.“That idler in front of your office,“ Jones said. “I just gave him a week‘s pay and fired him. What‘s the matter with you, letting him stand around as though he had nothing to do?“

“You mean the kid in the red shirt?“ George asked.

“Yes! The kid in the red shirt!“

“He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch,“ George said. “He works for the coffee shop around the corner.“

Once a peon of an office trying to speak in English to a guest. Then the guest appreciate him and told “From where you have learned to talk English?”
The peon replied “I have learned, ‘You understand?’ from our MD, ‘I love you’ from the TV and ‘Good Morning’ from our receptionist madam.

Funny/Humor/Short/Clean/Dirty/Military Jokes/joke

2010-11-09T21:25:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for military jokes, military joke than you are at right place. Here you can also find military humor jokes, military jokes and, military jokes and humor, funny military jokes, military jokes military, military jokes military humor, jokes about military, short military jokes, dirty military jokes, clean military jokes, military retirement jokes, the military jokes, the military joke, military joke of, jokes about the military. So enjoy your stay here.

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter‘s
office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle
this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit joking,“ snickered one. “You didn‘t really do that, did you?“

“You would never get through basic training,“ scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?“

During the occupation of Japan, a young GI fell in love with a beautiful Japanese girl. After many months of courtship, they wanted to get married. The U.S. government did not like to have mixed marriages, but they continued to fight for their love rights.

One afternoon the CO called Jo into his office and gave him the good news that it was a go. Blossom‘s parents would only give their blessing if the couple would have a traditional Japanese ceremony. They both agreed.

The day arrived and Blossom dressed in her wedding kimono. She made a beautiful bride.

That evening in their hotel room, Blossom began to undress. With each piece of outer clothing she would take off she would say, “Excuse Please.“

Then all her underclothes and again, “Excuse Please.“

She was down to her stockings, when she bent over to take them off and expelled some gas.

So embarrassed Blossom exclaimed, “Oh so sorry! Excuse please. Front hole so happy, back hole had to whistle!“

Army basic trainees at Fort McClellan were required to go on a demanding 12-mile march. They got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of their packs, they wondered if the end would ever come.

“Men,” our sergeant yelled, “You‘re doing a FINE job. We‘ve already covered four miles!”

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

“And,” continued Sarge, “we should reach the starting point any minute now.”

A USMC sniper was real good at his job, and he had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, BANG - one less insurgent!

After every mission the company commander would ask “How many insurgents have you shot today?“

However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported “Five killed and I let one go, sir.“

“Let one go?“ roared the company commander. “What do you mean, you let one go?“

“Well, sir, I yelled out ‘Osama is a Homo!‘ Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled ‘Hillary is a Bitch!‘ I just couldn‘t shoot a fellow Republican!“

The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Caroline to see who would donate the most blood.

After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well.

As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel.
Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook his head, saying, “I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat.“

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn‘t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones‘s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don‘t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.“

“Now,“ he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?“

Funny / Racist / Word OF The Day Mexican Jokes|joke

2010-11-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for mexican jokes, mexican joke than you are at right place.Here you can also find funny mexican jokes, racist mexican jokes, mexicans jokes, jokes mexican word of, jokes mexican word of the, mexican jokes of the, mexican jokes of, mexican jokes of the day, mexican word jokes, mexican dirty jokes, mexican word of the day jokes, mexican joke of, mexican joke of the, mexican joke of the day, funny mexican joke, mexican jokes and, short mexican jokes, best mexican jokes, black mexican jokes, mexican jokes one . So enjoy your stay here .

What do you get when you cross a mexican with an octopuss?

I don‘t know but it could pick lettuce good.

A Mexican, who speaks no English, comes to the USA. As is often the case, he finds that he needs new socks. So, he walks into a clothing store, and manages to convey to the clerk that he needs something, but not exactly what.
So, the clerk starts taking down boxes and showing what‘s inside to the Mexican. He shows him a shirt, some pants, a tie, a hat, but each time the Mexican shakes his head and says “No.“
Finally, the clerk brings down a box of socks and shows them to the Mexican. The Mexican starts nodding vigorously and says “¡Eso sí que es!“
The clerk angrily blurts out, “Well why didn‘t you just spell it in the first place?!“

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?“ The German responds, “I will take oil!“ So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?“ “I will take nothing!“ says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. “What will you take on your back?“ the Amazons ask the American. He responds, “I‘ll take the Mexican.“

What Do You Get When You Cross A Mexican And A Dumb Blonde?
A Kid Who Spraypaints His Name On A Chain Link Fence.

Q. Why doesnt mexico have a olympic team?

A. Because every mexican that can run, jump, and swim is already across the border!

There‘s A Deer And A Mexican Lying Dead In The Road, Whats The Difference? There Is Skid Marks In Front Of The Deer.

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, “Mom, look - I‘m a white boy!“ His mom slaps him in the face and says, “Go show your father.“ He goes to his dad in the living room and says, “Look Dad, I‘m a white boy.“ His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, “Go show your grandmother.“ The boy goes into his grandmother‘s room and say, “Mira, Abuelita, I‘m a white boy.“ His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, “See, did you learn anything from that?“ To which the boy replies, “Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!“

What kind of cans are there in Mexico?
Mexicans.

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.
His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: “Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family…“
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet!
“Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!“ he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.
“But wouldn‘t you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?“ she inquires.
“No,“ the husband says, “Jesus sent this to me with a message… As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yell, ‘ THAT‘S NACHO CHEESE! THAT‘S NACHO CHEESE!‘

“Honey, I‘ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don‘t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I‘ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don‘t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?“
His lovely new bride said, “No, that‘s fine with me. Just understand that there‘ll be sex here at eight o‘clock every night - whether you‘re here or not.“

Funny Sardar Jokes / Sardarji Jokes and Sms in Urdu, Hindi and English

2010-11-09T02:32:00.000-08:00

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Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh.

He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, “Are Banta Singh!

What the heck‘s going‘ on? Why are you scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?“ Scared Banta replies. “Yeah, but you‘ve got a *driver.* “

A Sardar received an invitation, to a party
which said â€œBlack Tie Onlyâ€�!!
When he went to the party he was surprised to
find the other invitees wearing trousers and shirts
as well !!!!

A sardar is traveling via train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, which happens to have a mirror in the front. The sardar thinks there is another sardar bhaiwaal in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat. 5 minutes later he goes again, only to find the same sardar bhaiwaal. An hour passes away, he‘s made 20 trips to the bathroom, only to find that the same person is still there. So he finally gets ticked off, goes to the last
compartment and tells the TC (Ticket Checker) what‘s been going on. The TC, which also happens to be a sardar, feels bad for him and promises to throw the bum out. The TC walks down to the compartment with the troubled bathroom to get the resident bhaiwaal out. Few minutes later the TC comes back and tell the sardar “I‘m
sorry, I can‘t do anything. The guy in there is a railway staff member“.

Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed, santa Singh‘s frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Santa used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Banta singh thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Banta singh was visting Santa‘s family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he‘d worn the day Santa died. “You know,“ he said, “Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven‘t read it, but knowing Santa, I‘m sure there‘s a word of inspiration there for us all.“ He unfolded the note and read aloud, “You‘re standing on my oxygen tube!“

A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, “I ask you a question, and if you don‘t know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa.“ Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don‘t know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don‘t know the answer, I will pay you $500.“

This catches the Sardarji‘s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The American asks the first question: “What‘s the distance from the earth to the moon?“ The Sardarji doesn‘t say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.

“Okay,“ says the American, “your turn“.

He asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?“ The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences……..no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress… no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500. The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, “Well, what‘s the answer?“ Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.

Funny / Adult Santa Banta Jokes and Sms in Hindi / English

2010-11-09T02:29:00.000-08:00

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A customer arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, They were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.
He went to the service department and found a mechanic, Mr Santa working feverishly to unlock the driver`s side door.
As the customer watched from the passenger`s side, he instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
“Hey,“ he announced to the technician, “It`s open!“
“I know,“ answered Santa.- “I already got that side.“

Santa enters a store that sell curtains.

He tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.“

The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed him several patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.

Santa replies, “Fifteen inches.“

“Fifteen inches?“ asked the salesman. “That sounds very small, what room are they for?“

Santa tells him that they aren‘t for a room, they are for his computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, “But, sir, computers do not have curtains!“

Santa says, “Hellllooooooooo……..I‘ve got Windows!“

Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion‘s cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn‘t say he got out.

Santa and Banta were looking at a catalog and admiring the models.

Santa says to the Banta, “Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?“

Banta replies, “Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!“

Santa says, with wide eyes, “Wow, they aren‘t very expensive. At this price, I‘m buying one.“

Banta smiles and pats him on the back, “Good idea! Order one and if she‘s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.“

Three weeks later, Banta asks Santa, “Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalog?“

Santa replies, “No, but it shouldn‘t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!“

Funny / Adult & Dirty / Clean Christmas Jokes, Xmas Jokes & SMS

2009-12-12T01:20:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for christmas jokes, christmas joke than you are at right place.Here you can also find funny christmas jokes, adult christmas jokes, christmas dirty jokes, jokes for christmas, kids christmas jokes, jokes and christmas, clean christmas jokes, christmas jokes for kids, rude christmas jokes, short christmas jokes, christmas riddles jokes, christmas jokes and riddles, christian christmas jokes, christmas joke of, naughty christmas jokes, christmas knock knock jokes.So enjoy your stay here.

Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?" said Maria. "Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please."

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'
The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early.'
'That's no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'
'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.

One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
'Look at that, 'remarked Peter to Joe, 'That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!'

It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. She told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.

Sam went to his room and wrote, 'Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.'

But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote:'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.'

He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version: 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.'

He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter.
'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning December 9, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 97 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 98. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[98] as early as November first."
Christmas 97 is scheduled for release in December of 1997, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1998. An economist at Goldman-Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

A man, wearing only a bathrobe, bends over the Christmas tree to pick up a present.

His young son looks up the robe and asks, "Hey Dad! Who's getting the bagpipes?"

I wonder what Christmas will be,
No merriment, good cheer or glee,
Now that Santa's arrested,
Because someone protested,
That he laid some doll under their tree.

That wily old pervert St. Nick
Made good use of the curve to his dick.
He glazed the whole shaft
Painted stripes, then he laughed
As he offered young ladies a lick.

If you see a fat man
who's jolly and cute
Wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit

And if he is chuckling
and laughing away
While flying around
In a miniature sleigh

With eight tiny reindeer
To pull him along
Then lets face it
Your eggnog's too strong!

Frosty the cokehead was a crazed neurotic soul,
With a big glass pipe and a vial of crack,
And no sense of self control.

There must have been some poison in that last dime bag he got,
For when he took his first big hit he dropped dead on the spot.

Frosty the cokehead doesn't worry anymore,
'Cuz when all is said, and your cold and dead,
Then you never have to score.

Funny Polish Jokes

2009-12-06T21:41:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for polish jokes, polish joke than you are at right place.Here you can also find funny polish jokes, jokes in polish, of polish jokes, polish jokes origin, origin of polish jokes. So enjoy your stay here.

Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear
hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read “BEAR
LEFT“ so they went home.

A Polish man was walking down the street carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his buddies, who asked,

“Hey! What‘s in the bag?“

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says,

“Well, I‘ll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you‘ll have to give me one.“

The man says, “I‘ll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I‘ll give you both of them.“

A Polish and an Italian are hunting in the woods. Suddenly a
naked woman appears.
Italian: Boy, I could eat her!…
The Polish guy shot her.

A Pollack walked into a bar and sat down at the bar, where a news report was on TV. On the news a man was on a ledge outside an upper floor of a building threatening to jump. The bartender, who‘d seen the news report before said, “I‘ll bet you $50 he‘s going to jump.“ The Pollack took the bet and put down a $50 bill on the bar. Then the man on the ledge jumped to his death. The bartender picked up the $50 bill but then, realizing that he‘d taken advantage of a poor, dumb Pollack, his conscience got the better of him and he said, “Look, I‘m going to give you back your money. I have to confess that I saw that news report before.“ “That‘s O.K.,“ said the Pollack, “I saw it before too, but I didn‘t think he was gonna do it again!“

Funny Retirement Jokes / Party Ideas / Humor

2009-12-06T02:27:00.000-08:00

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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

Wife: ‘What are you doing dear?‘
Husband: ‘Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females‘

Wife: ‘How do you know which gender they were?‘
Husband: ‘Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone‘

The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.“

The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.“

The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.“

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell.

The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, “We‘ve found your problem.“

“Oh yeah? What is it?“ asks the retiree.

“You‘ve broken your finger!“

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?“ the reporter asked.

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.“

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn‘t help noticing how happy you look“, she said. “What‘s your secret for a long happy life?“ “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day“, he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.“ “That‘s amazing“, the woman said. “How old are you?“ “Twenty-six“, he said.

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

“They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don‘t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don‘t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don‘t know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can‘t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.“

Funny / Foxworthy Redneck Jokes, Humor and Comedy

2009-12-06T02:25:00.000-08:00

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You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

. . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s.

. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.

. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, “I resent that!“

The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.

The redneck looked at him and said, “ You stay outta this, I‘‘m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?“ The waitress nodded “yes,“ so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?“ The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “my treat.“

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there sweet thang. How‘s about gettin‘ me a cold glass of Coke!“ He too looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God‘s boy over there?“ The waitress once again nodded that it was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, “on my bill.“

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.“ The Irishman felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and danced a jig right out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.“ The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked up to the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, “Don‘t touch me… I‘m drawin‘ disability!“

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - Them‘s the fight‘n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Junior‘s party uninvited

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba‘s favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - Scoop‘n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak‘s Employee of the year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, “chickens.“

“Chickens, eh?“ says one guy. “Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?“

“Heck,“ says the guy with the bag, “iffin you guess right, I‘ll give you both of ‘em.“

The other scratches his head and guesses, “Um… five?“

Funny/ Republican Jokes/ Political Jokes and Humor / Bush Jokes

2009-12-04T21:42:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for political joke, political jokes than you are at right place.Here you can also find night political jokes, political jokes late, politics jokes, funny political jokes, political joke highlights, and political jokes, political jokes about, clean political jokes, politcal jokes, political cartoons jokes, short political jokes . So enjoy your stay here.

This simple three question test illustrates how often Bill Clinton must be telling lies.

1. Is the Pope catholic?
2. Does Windows have bugs?
3. Does Clinton lie?

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

A young man‘s parents were trying to figure out what their son‘s future career would be so they decided to give him a test.

They took a twenty dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren‘t at home. The father told the mother, “If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a clergyman but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I‘m afraid our son will be a drunkard.“

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they‘d be home later. Then, he took the twenty dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took a whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead and said, “Darn, it‘s even worse than I could ever have imagined…“

“What do you mean?“ his wife asked.

“Our son is going to be a politician!“ replied the very unhappy father.

President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
“Our largest condom factory has exploded!“ the Russian President cried; “My people‘s favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!“

“Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.“, replied the President.

“I do need your help,“ said Putin. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?“

“Why certainly! I‘ll get right on it!“, said Bush.

“Oh, and one more small favour, please?“, said Putin.

“Yes?“, replied the President.

“Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10“ long and 4“ in diameter?“ said Yeltsin.

“No problem,“ replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. “I need a favour, you‘ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.“

“Consider it done,“ said the President of Trojan.

“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10“ long and 4“ wide.“

“Easily done. Anything else?“

“Yeah,“ said the President, “Print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM‘ on each one.“

Saddam has just made a reportedly live TV appearance. He said, “To prove I am still alive, Liverpool were a bag of shite on Saturday“.

The British Government claim that it could have been recorded months ago.

A freshly elected Barrack Obama is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen when a little man comes up to him.

“Excuse me Mr. President but my name is Jason Prins and I’m here with an extremely important client tonight. We’re going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, “Hello Jason”.

President Obama, eager to please, readily agrees and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by deep in conversation with his client. Obama approached him and said ” Hello Jason.”

The little man says “F**k off, Barrack! I’m in a meeting!” and keeps walking.

Funny Men and Women Sexist Jokes

2009-11-04T02:34:00.000-08:00

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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

What‘s the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women‘s clinic?
The god damned dishes if she knows what‘s good for her.

Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!

Why is clinton gonna lose the election?
Cause she is a woman

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the do the ironing in the dark.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it.

How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows; they never get the house.

How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?
Slap her.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? made the chain too long.

A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says “what seems to be the problem officer?“ the cop looks bluntly at him and says “are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?“ the man let out a sigh “thank for that i thought i had gone deaf!“

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN‘S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish…………………………49
Adventurous…………………Slept with all your friends
Athletic……………………….No
Average looking……………..Ugly
Beautiful………………………Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…………….Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure…………..On medication
Feminist……………………….Fat
Free spirit……………………..Junkie
Friendship first……………….Former
Fun…………………………….Annoying
Gentle…………………………Dull
New Age………………………Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded…………………Desperate
Outgoing………………………Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate……………………Sloppy drunk
Poet……………………………Depressive
Romantic………………………Frigid
Voluptuous……………………Very Fat
Large frame…………………..Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate…………….Stalker
Widow…………………………Murderer

WOMEN‘S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you‘ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you‘re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You‘re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN‘S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let‘s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I‘d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I‘d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I‘d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I‘d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don‘t go with that outfit = I‘m gay

And finally…..

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

There were these three women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, that had just escaped from prison. There was a farm close to the prison and the three women headed for it to hide. So as the police were chasing them, they found a barn with three big flour sacks. Big enough for them to hide in, so they each got in a sack. The police came around to search the barn, they were about to leave when one officer suggested that they check those three flour bags. A policemen went up to the first bag and kicked it, the brunette replied, “Bark, bark!“. The policemen concluded that there were only dogs in this bag. He went to the second bag and kicked it and the redhead said, “Meow, meow!“. The policemen concluded that there were only cats in this bag. He went to the third bag and kicked it and the blonde said, “Potatoes, potatoes!“

A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn‘t need

A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn‘t
A man marries a woman expecting that she won‘t change but she does

Funny Racist Jokes / Racial Jokes

2009-11-04T02:15:00.000-08:00

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Wear bed sheets and put bags over their women‘s heads. They burp and fart during meals and wash themselves in sand.
They bugger little boys and practice some stupid religion that they‘re trying to get all our Negroes to believe in. Disorderly
cowards when they have to fight anyone else, they nonetheless quite courageously murder each other and chop off people‘s
hands for littering. They plant bombs everywhere they go and own all the earth‘s oil, which is why you can‘t buy high-test
if you‘re wearing a yarmulke. They hate Jews because Jews are the only people in the world with noses uglier than their
own, and they‘re cornering the Cadillac market so that the Hebes will have to drive Buicks.

What‘s the difference between dog shit and niggers?
When dog shit gets old it turns White and quits stinking.

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars laying around, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank to change them out.

It was a short line, just one lady in front of me; An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was getting a little irritated.

She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?”

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations”.

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too!”

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.“
“Oh really, hmm, didn‘t know that.“
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn‘t care.“ The second Englishman remarked, “You just don‘t know how to set him off… watch and learn.“ So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!“
“Oh really, hmm, didn‘t know that.“
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You‘re right. He‘s unshakable!“
The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I‘ll really tick him off… just watch.“ So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!“
“Yeah, that‘s what your buddies were trying to tell me.“

Finnegin: Me wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it.
Sean: What on earth is she doin’ at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home.

Funny Pranks and Practical Jokes

2009-11-04T02:12:00.000-08:00

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I don‘t quite know why it is called that. Anyway..
The victim is on the pot in the dorm washroom. Everyone grabs a bucket (we used the waste baskets from our rooms) and fills the buckets with water. Take a paper bag and set it on fire, toss it under the door into the stall. Yell fire as everyone tosses the water into the stall. Needless to say the fire as well as the victim get very wet.

This one fellow in the house was hit a number of times and took to relieving himself in other locals. We followed him a couple of times and nailed him in many parts of the residence.

Later of course we conspired with our victim to get back at the original instigator of the drill. The guy in the stall had a bucket of water, and when the the instigator tossed the bag in we all hit him.

Pick a victim. Keep warning your victim that April Fools‘ Day is coming. Talk about a few great practical jokes, starring yourself as the joker. Develop an evil chuckle, if possible. When April Fools‘ Day comes, smile secretively every time you see your victim. You won‘t need to do anything else - your victim‘s nerves will already be totally shot. Heh, heh, heh.

Got a sound sleeper in your midst? Get a roll of cling wrap (or package sealing shrink wrap) and secure the sleeper into place. When he/she wakes up he/she won‘t be able to move. Note: Covering the victim’s face is not recommended as they may never wake up again.

It is common for draftsmen to sprinkle SCUMEX (powdered rubber eraser) on tracings prior to doing any drawing on it. This reduces smearing of the pencil marks and such and results in a cleaner tracing.

At a former employers we had replaced the Scumex at one draftsmans desk with dried parmesian cheese. It looked about the same. It was extremely interesting watching him draw for a while and then begin to smell the paper. Took the poor dude almost 10 minutes to guess that he had been gigged!

Fill a large brown envelope about 70% with shaving foam.

Close over the flap but don‘t seal it.

Place it part way, flap first under a friends door and call them to get it.

When you hear them walking towards it, jump on the back end of the envelope and shaving foam will spray everywhere.

Funny / Dirty / Clean Little Johnny Jokes

2009-11-04T02:02:00.000-08:00

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Little Johnny‘s teacher asks, “What is the chemical formula for water?“

Little Johnny replies, “HIJKLMNO“!!

The teacher, puzzled, asks, “What on Earth are you talking about?“

Little Johnny replies, “Yesterday you said it was H to O!“

Little Johnny once asked his teacher “Do hearts have legs?.“

The teacher answered “Why do you ask that?“

Johnny replied “Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs.“

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:

“One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two.“
“Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.“
“Three and three… “

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny‘s classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny‘s mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny‘s different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn‘t understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, “Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two.“

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,“ she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer‘s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.“

“Very good,“ said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines,“ she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.“

“Very good, Jenny,“ said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny‘s turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher‘s desk. “$2,467,“ he said.

“$2,467!“ cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?“

“Toothbrushes,“ said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes,“ echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?“

“I found the busiest corner in town,“ said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like shit!“

Then I would say, “It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?“

Little Johnny‘s father said, “let me see your report card.“
Johnny replied, “I don‘t have it.“
“Why not?“ His father asked.
“My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.“

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.
She said, “The sky is definately blue!“
“I‘m sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?“
Timmy raised his hand and said, “The grass is definately green.“
“I‘m sorry Timmy that‘s not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?“
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Teacher do farts have lumps?“
The teacher says, “no why?“
Johnny says, “Then I definitely Shit my pants!“

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his momâ€™s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!“

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,

“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!“

Funny Lawyer Jokes and Lawyer Humor.

2009-11-04T01:46:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for lawyer jokes, lawyers jokes than you are at right place.Here you can also find lawyer joke, funny lawyer jokes, jokes about lawyers, best lawyer jokes, lawyers joke, and lawyer jokes, lawyer jokes one, lawer jokes, good lawyer jokes, and lawyer joke, a lawyer jokes, a lawyer joke, short lawyer jokes, best lawyer joke, lawyer jokes one liners, clean lawyer jokes. So enjoy your stay here

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, “I don‘t understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We‘re the same age, we were the same size as kids… I just don‘t get it.“
“Well,“ says the big alligator, “what have you been eating?“
“Lawyers, same as you,“ replies the small alligator.
“Hmm. Well, where do you catch ‘em?“
“Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.“
“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ‘em?“
“Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite ‘em, shake the crap out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!“
“Ah!“ says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin‘ the crap out of a lawyer, there‘s nothing left but lips and a briefcase…“

There are three sorts of lawyers - able, unable and lamentable. - Robert Smith Surtees
Whoever tells the best story wins. - John Quincy Adams
A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. - Patrick Murray
Ignorance of the law excuses no man - from practicing it. - Adison Mizner
In almost every case, you have to read between the lies. - Angie Papadakis
A lawyer is a gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it for himself. - Lord Brougham
A man is innocent until proven broke. - Anonymous

In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they‘ll be there in 20 minutes. It‘s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
“Aren‘t you also going to have a drink?“ the doctor says.
“After the police get here.“ replies the lawyer.

“How can I ever thank you?“ gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

“My dear woman,“ Darrow replied, “ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.“

Two new surgeons at the hospital were discussing the qualities of their favorite patients. “I like contractors myself” says one. “They don’t even flinch when I tell them I underestimated the cost and length of surgery.”

“Well, I had an electrician yesterday” another says. “It was beautiful everything inside well marked and color coded!’

An older surgeon passing by heard them, and cut in. “You fellas ain’t seen nothing yet” he tells them “By far the best patients are lawyers- they have no heart, no spine, little guts, and the head and butt are fully interchangeable!”

Funny / Racist Black Jokes & Nigger Jokes about Black People

2009-11-04T01:38:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for black jokes/joke than you are at right place.Here you can also find black people jokes, funny black jokes, racist black jokes, blacks jokes, jokes about black, all black jokes, black racial jokes, and black jokes, black man jokes, jokes about black people, black white jokes, best black jokes, black jokes com, black jokes one liners.So enjoy your stay here.

Q: What happens when you stick you hand in a jar of jellybeans?
A: The black ones steal your watch.

Q: How do you start a black parade?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.

Q: Why do blacks burry their dead upside down?
A: Use em as bike racks.

Q: How did they improve the transportation in harlem?
A: Move the trees closer together.

Q: What did the black girl say while having sex?
A: Dad get off me your crushing my ciggs.

Q: Why are black people like jelly beans?
A: No one likes the black ones.

Q: What do you call a school bus full of black people?
A: A rotten banana

Q: What was the only thing missing from the million man march?
A. An auctionner

Q: How long does it take a black lady to shit?
A: 9 months.

Q: What do you call 100 black guys baried from the neck down?
A: Afroturf.

Q: Why are blacks afried of lawnmovers?
A: Beacuse it gose run nigger nigger run.

Yo Mama Jokes

2009-09-04T03:17:00.000-07:00

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Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo Mama So Ugly when she applied for the ugly contest they told her ‘NO Professionals‘

* Yo mama’s breath is so bad that when she breathes, her teeth duck out of the way.
* Yo mama’s breath is so bad, she could clear a chat room.
* Yo mama’s breath is so stank, when she talks her lips go numb.
* Yo mama’s breath is sooo bad, she made Close Up back up.
* Yo mama’s breath stinks so bad, people look forward to her farts!

Yo mamma so white, when she goes joggin through her suburban neighborhood at night, there‘s no need for her to wear anything relfective.

Funny Teacher Jokes

2009-09-04T03:13:00.000-07:00

If you are looking for teacher jokes, teacher joke than you are at right place.Here you can also find jokes for teachers, jokes about teachers, funny teacher jokes, jokes on teachers, teachers joke, english teacher jokes. So enjoy your stay here.

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?

Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.

Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?

Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!“

In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, “Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them.“ She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand.
Suzie: “ I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched.“
Teacher: “That‘s a good story, now what is the moral?“
Suzie: “ Don‘t count your chickens before they are hatched.“
Teacher: “Very good Suzie, anyone else?“
Ralphie: “Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke.“
Teacher: “That‘s a nice story, what is the moral?“
Ralphie: “Don‘t put all your eggs in one basket.“
Teacher: “ Very good Ralphie, anyone else?“
Little Johnny: “ Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife.“
Teacher: “Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?“
Little Johnny: “Don‘t fool with Aunt Karen when she‘s drunk.“

A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be absent for the day.

Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

This is the actual conversation of the telephone call…

Kelly: “Hi, I‘m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: “Oh, I‘m sorry to hear that. I‘ll note her absence. Who is this calling?“

Kelly: “This is my mother.“

Needless to say, she didn‘t pull it off!

Funny Sick Jokes

2009-09-04T03:10:00.000-07:00

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Q: What have Gareth gates and Harold Shipman got in common?
A: Neither of them can finish a sentence.
Shipman‘s last meal was a curry. When asked afterwards if he enjoyed it, he replied that it was OK but he could‘ve murdered a nan.
They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.
Harold Shipman‘s suicide note has been found. It reads – “I can‘t go on. I‘ve run out of patience.“
The prison warden where Shipman was ‘staying‘ commented that he will be sorely missed, especially by the prison boxing club. He said: “He had a lethal jab“.
It‘s been said Harold Shipman was a bit of a lady killer, maybe thats got something to do with the fact that he‘s well hung!

A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road.

He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says “I can‘t I‘m on my period.“

He says “That doesn‘t matter.“

So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out.

A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking.

So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck.

The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.

The officer asks him what he is doing? He says liking his fingers “Eating Pizza!“

A worker calls their boss one morning and tells him that
they are staying home because they are not feeling well.
“What‘s the matter?“ he asks
“I have a case of anal glaucoma,“ said in a weak voice.
“What the hell is anal glaucoma?“
“I can‘t see my ass coming into work today“ .

Funny / Dirty / Clean Short Jokes and Sms

2009-09-04T02:49:00.001-07:00

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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

Q: What is the difference between a Virgin and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn‘t follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

Husband says; “When I‘m gone you‘ll never find another man like me“.
Wife replied; “What makes you think I‘d want another man like you!“

Funny / Short / Clean Irish Jokes for Kids and Adult

2009-03-31T01:07:00.000-07:00

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A Kerryman rang Aer Lingus and asked how long it took to fly from Dublin to London.
“Just a minute sir,“ said the girl on the desk.
“Thank you,“ said the Kerryman and hung up.

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,
everyone got drunk and the bride‘s and groom‘s families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting “Silence in Court“.

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, “Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened“. The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says “OK“.

“Well“, said Paddy, “After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates“.

The Judge instantly responded… “God.. that must of hurt!“
Paddy replies “HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers.“

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

‘My son was born on St George‘s Day, ‘remarked the Englishman, ‘So we obviously decided to call him George.‘

‘That‘s a real coincidence, ‘observed the Frenchman, ‘My daughter was born on Valentine‘s Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.‘

‘That‘s really incredible, ‘drawled the Irishman, ‘Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.‘

An Irishman took a photograph of his son to the chemist. ‘I wonder,‘ he said, ‘could you enlarge this for me?‘ ‘Yes, certainly,‘ the chemist replied. ‘And would it be possible for you to take his hat off for me?‘ ‘Well, I‘m sure we could do something. Yes, we could touch it up for you.‘ ‘Oh, that‘s fine.‘ ‘Tell me,‘ said the chemist, ‘which side does your son part his hair?‘ The Irishman smiled. ‘Oh, come on now. You‘ll see that when you take his hat off.‘

A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : “Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other.“
The Kerry farmer says: “Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too.“

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman applied for a job as chauffeur to a rich lady.
‘I‘m such a good driver,‘ said The Englishman, ‘I can go within an inch of The edge of a cliff without driving over,‘ said The Scotsman.
‘And how close to The cliff edge can you drive?‘ The lady asked The Irishman.
‘I keep as far away from cliffs with The car as I possibly can,‘ said The Irishman.

Funny / Racist / Short Jewish Jokes and Jew jokes

2009-03-31T01:03:00.000-07:00

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Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution.

They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

“Give me the best French wine and French bread,“ he requested.

So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian‘s turn.

“Give me a great big plate of pasta,“ said the Italian.

So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew‘s turn.

“I want a big bowl of strawberries, “ said the Jew.

“Strawberries!!! They aren‘t even in season!“

“Nu, so I‘ll wait…“

Morris calls his son in NY and says,“ Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don‘t want to discuss it. I‘m merely telling you because you‘re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I‘ve made up my mind, I‘m divorcing Mama.“

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. “I don‘t want to get into it. My mind is made up.“

“But Dad, you just can‘t decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?“

“It‘s too painful to talk about it. I only called because you‘re my son, and I thought you should know. I really don‘t want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain.“

“But where‘s Mama? Can I talk to her?“

“No I don‘t want you to say anything to her about it. I haven‘t told her yet. Believe me it hasn‘t been easy. I‘ve agonized over it for several days, and I‘ve finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.“

“Dad, don‘t do anything rash. I‘m going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won‘t do anything until I get there.“

“Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I‘ll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can‘t bear to talk about it anymore.“

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. “Benny told me That you don‘t want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won‘t do anything until we both get there.“

Morris promises.

After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, “Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?“

A Jewish boy comes home to his mother and tells her he has met a wonderful girl, and they are to be married.

“Oh, that‘s nice“ says Momma. “And what is this girls name?“

The son tells her that his fiancee is a Native American and is called Little Running Deer.

“That‘s nice, honey“ says Momma, trying to keep a straight face.

The son then tells his momma that he wants to be called by his “new“ Native American name too, and that from now on she should call him “Swift Flying Arrow“.

“OK, honey, whatever you wish“ says Momma.

Then the son says, “You should get a Native American name too, Momma“.

“I‘ve already got one,“ replies Momma. “It‘s Big Sitting Shiva“.

A Jew and a non-Jew are traveling on a train together when suddenly the goy asks “Why are you Jews so smart?“

The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says “its because of all the herring we eat.“
A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it.

The goy asks “how much herring do you have?“ and the Jew answers “a dozen pieces“.
“And how much do you want for a piece?“

“20 kopecks“ (a lot of money).

The man hands the money over and the Jew gives him a piece of herring.

“He takes a bite and says suddenly “I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few kopecks“.

To this the Jew responds “see… your getting smarter already.“

A young Jewish man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder. “Every thought I have turns to my mother,“ he told the psychiatrist. “As soon as I fall asleep and being to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast.“

The psychiatrist replied, “What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?“

There was a young fellow who emigrated from Russia to Texas. He worked hard and prospered. He had a good life and sent for his father to join him.

His father looked like a religious Jew. The son decided he‘d be happier if his appearance were more that of a native Texan. So, he brought him into a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. He then had him fitted with a tall Texan hat.

After all that, he noticed his father was crying. When his son asked why, his dad relied, “I‘m crying because we lost the Alamo“.

Funny / Dirty / Adult Knock Knock Jokes For Kids, Children and Others

2009-03-31T00:53:00.000-07:00

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Knock Knock
Who's there !
Water !
Water who ?
Water way to answer the door !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Four Eggs!
Four Eggs who ?
Four Eggs ample !
Knock Knock
Who's there !
B-2 !
B-2 who ?
B-2 school on time !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
B-4 !
B-4 who ?
B-4 I freeze to death, please open this door !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Banana !
Banana who ?
Banana split so ice creamed !

Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana ?

Funny / Clean / Halloween Kids Jokes, Children Jokes and Humor

2009-03-28T23:36:00.000-07:00

If you are looking for kids jokes, jokes for kids than you are at right place.Here you can also find kid jokes, kid joke, funny kids jokes, kids knock knock jokes, funny jokes for kids, funny kid jokes, kids jokes and riddles, clean jokes for kids, kid's jokes, kids joke, kids jokes knock, jokes and kids, knock knock jokes for kids, kids halloween jokes, kids christmas jokes, kids jokes riddles, clean kids jokes, and jokes for kids, free kids jokes, kids blonde jokes.So enjoy your stay here.

three boys were bragging about their fathers.

The first one said, “My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!“

The second one said, “That‘s nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!“

The third boy just smiled. “That‘s nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!“

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders along a well-traveled stretch of highway. The location, at a bend in the road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of oncoming traffic while setting up his radar to nab any speeders who passed by. He had used this location successfully a number of times, especially on holidays, and decided to use it again one Labor Day weekend.

The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling down to wait for the first speeders to appear. After a half hour or so the officer hadn‘t seen anybody speeding.

In fact most of the cars that passed him were traveling exactly at the speed limit, and some of the passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and waving at him. He couldn‘t believe this was happening since his hiding place was so well concealed.

Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he was there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went investigate.

He got out of his car and walked up the road a short distance. About 100 yards before his hiding place the officer found the problem: A 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said: RADAR TRAP AHEAD.

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boys accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading TIPS and a bucket at his feet full of change.

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?“
She replied, “Im having a baby.“

With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?“
She said, “He sure is.“

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?“
She said, “Oh, yes. It‘s a real good baby.“

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked…
“Then why did you eat him?“

A little boy was in a relative‘s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride‘s side and groom‘s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was just being the Ring Bear!“

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy‘s efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy‘s position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child‘s shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?“

The boy replies, “Now we run!“

Very Funny Jokes Stories

2009-03-28T23:27:00.000-07:00

If you are looking for funny stories, funny story than you are at right place.Here you can also find jokes stories, short funny stories, funny stories about, christmas funny stories, story jokes, funny stories jokes, joke story, kids funny stories, true funny stories, joke stories, funny jokes and stories, christian funny stories, clean funny stories, funny stories dirty, thanksgiving funny stories, wedding funny stories, jokes short stories, funny stories adult, really funny stories, christian jokes stories, clean jokes stories, dirty jokes stories, funny joke stories, funny story joke, teacher funny stories.So enjoy your stay here.

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.“

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!“

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren‘t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.“

“Yes,“ the wife said, “I promised. I‘m a good Christian, I can‘t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.“

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?“

“I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.“

There was once a bird who wanted to defy the norm. It was winter and no he wasn‘t going to fly south. After a few days in the cold blizzards, he couldn‘t take it anymore and started off to the south. Halfway there his wings froze and he plummeted to the ground below. He knew he was a goner and he made the dumbest mistake ever. Soon a horse passed by and crapped on the small bird. The heat of the shit warmed him and defrosted his wings. Finally able to breathe and move freely, the bird was ecstatic and chirping in joy. A cat in a nearby bush heard the bird and pounced on the bird, swallowing him in one gulp.

Moral of the Story: Everyone who shits on you doesn‘t mean that their you‘re enemy. Everyone who gets you out of shit aren‘t necessarily your friend.And, if you‘re warm and happy in a pile of shit….keep your mouth shut!

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student‘s immediate family.

A ‘smart‘ student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?“

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

“Well,“ he responded, “I guess you‘ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.“

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, so he went to the bar down town on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.

The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks he doesn‘t notice a train as it is coming his way. The cat starts to cross the track and the train is right on him. Just as he crosses, the train goes on by, but the cat was not all the way over and the train ran over the his tail, the cat turns it‘s head to see were his tail is and the train cuts his head clean off.

Moral of the Story: DON‘T LOSS YOUR HEAD OVER A LITTLE PIECE OF TAIL!

An old woman came into her doctor‘s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they‘re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I‘ve been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?“

“Here‘s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.“

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson‘s office. “Doctor, I don‘t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I‘m doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?“

“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,“ said the doctor soothingly. “Now that we‘ve fixed your sinuses, we‘ll work on your hearing!!!“

Funny / Adult / Dirty Hindi Jokes & Hindi SMS

2009-03-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

If you are looking for hindi joke, hindi jokes than you are at right place.Here you can also find funny hindi jokes, hindi dirty jokes, veg hindi jokes, hindi free jokes, hindi joks, adult jokes in hindi, hindi jokes and, jokes in hindi, santa banta hindi jokes, sardar jokes hindi, funny jokes in hindi, hindi joke sms, hindi adult joke, joke in hindi, hindi sms jokes, sms jokes in hindi, hindi jokes com, hindi nonveg jokes, short hindi jokes, best hindi jokes, desi hindi jokes, dirty jokes in hindi, hindi jokes on, jokes in hindi language, adult hindi jokes, non veg hindi jokes, latest hindi jokes, non veg jokes in hindi, veg jokes in hindi .So enjoy your stay here.

Lalu to Rabri: Agar tum batao ki iss bag ke andar kya hai, toh sare eggs tumare, agar tum batao kitne eggs toh 8 ke 8 tumare, aur agar tum bata do ke ande kiske hai toh woh murgi bhi tumari.
Rabri: Lalu Ji, koi hint toh do na plz?

2 sardar jangle main….
samne sher aagaya,pahle sardar ne mitti uthai aur sher ki ankh main dalke bhagne laga,dusra wahien tha.
pahle ne kaha bhag.dusre ne kaha mitti tu ne dali main kion bhagaon….

Babbal singh- Main tumse Shaadi nahi kar sakta.
GF - Kyon!
Babbal singh - Mere ghar wale mana kar rahe hain.
GF - Kaun hai!
Babbal singh - Meri bibi aur baache.

What do women cal their husbands in first 5 yrs?

yr 1 : janu
yr 2 : O ji
yr 3 : sunte ho?
yr 4 : O bunty ke papa
yr 5 : kide mar gaye?

Jin:Kya hukm hai mere aaka?

Aaka:mere a/c me 10 crore cash aur Katrina se shaadi 10 second me kara do?

Jin:Aaka! hukm karo, haramipan nhi..

Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phansi di jayegi.

Sardar: Ha ha ha!

Police: Kyu hass rahe ho?

Sardar: Main toh subah 8 baje tak sota hoon!

Sardaar to his papa : Mainay shadi karni hai

Papa : Puter kidhay naaal

Sardar : Papa dadi ama day naaal

Papa : Batamiz o meri maa hai

Sardar : Te tusa meri maa naal kio shadi kiti

Funny / Dirty / Best Helen Keller Jokes

2009-03-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

If you are looking for helen keller joks, new helen keller jokes than you are at right place.Here you can also find jokes about helen keller, dirty helen keller jokes, best helen keller jokes, funny helen keller jokes, helen keller joke, helen keller jokes. So enjoy your stay here.

How does Helen Keller drive?
One hand on the wheel and one hand one the road!

What was Helen Kellers favorite color.
Corduroy

Q. Why is all of Helen Keller‘s face burnt?

A. She was bobbing for french fries.

Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face?
She tried eating with a fork.

Why Did Helen Kellers Dog Run Away?

cause You Would Run Away Too If Your Name Was Baaaraaalrra!!

Funny Football Jokes & Sports Jokes For Alabama / England / Other Colleges

2009-03-28T22:53:00.000-07:00

If you are looking for football jokes, football joke than you are at right place.Here you can also find alabama football jokes, football team jokes, college football jokes, funny football jokes, state football jokes, michigan football jokes, auburn football jokes, american football jokes, and football jokes, tennessee football jokes, jokes for football, nebraska football jokes.So enjoy your stay here.

As in many homes on New Year‘s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

“See?“ she said, continuing to smile, “You didn‘t miss a thing.“

What tea do footballers drink ?
Penaltea !

Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with “Property of Central High School“ emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint “Stolen from Central High School.“ But the jerseys still kept disappearing. The larceny finally stopped after he changed the wording to “Central High School 4th String.“

Two guys are talking about their boss‘s upcoming wedding.
One says, “It‘s ridiculous, he‘s rich, but he‘s 93 years old, and she‘s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?“

The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.“

“What do you call it?“

“We call it a football wedding.“

The first asks, “What‘s a football wedding?“

The other says, “She‘s waiting for him to kick off!“

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn‘t keep asking for beer.

Originated generally in its present form in Britain.
Worlds oldest club formed in 1857 is Sheffield FC.
The most played and most watched sport on Earth.
Called football in practically every country except America, who call ‘Grid Iron‘ football and football soccer Famous rivalries include the Old Firm ( Scotland ), Manchester derby, London derbies, Milan derby, Real vs Barcelona, and many more.
Some famous players: Pele, Maradonna, Charlton, Eusebio, Cruyff, Dalglish, Ronaldo, Beckham, Mattheus

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

‘I liked it, but I couldn‘t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,‘ she said.

‘What do you mean?‘ he asked.

‘Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!‘

So Funny Fat Jokes about Mamma & Other Fat People

2009-03-27T02:58:00.002-07:00

If you are looking for fat jokes than you are at right place.Here you can also find so fat jokes, fat mama jokes, your fat jokes, yo fat jokes, fat joke, fat people jokes, momma fat jokes, funny fat jokes, is fat jokes, yo mama so fat jokes, your momma fat jokes moma fat jokes, and fat jokes, best fat jokes, fat dirty jokes, fat jokes com.So enjoy your stay here.

Yo Mamma's feet so skanky that when your family wants jam pieces, she gets yo brother to run a loaf of bread between her toes.

Yo' Grannies neck so damn wrinkled, I use it as a cheese grater.

Damn it, just realised that last yo is as old as the crust in yo Sister's knickers...

Yo Star wars geeky friend so damn hairy, she's a stunt double for Chewbacca and her baby daughter played the leader of the Ewoks (no makeup needed).

Yo mama's like an elevator - blokes go up and down on her all day. Yo Mother in law so dmamnd Dislexus when I told her to go get some Head and Shoulders...she jump on top of me Shoulders and gave me head!!!

Yo Grandpa's house so damned cold, the Roaches ice skate around the kitchen.

Yo Momma house so small that I put my Key in the doorlock and broke the freakin back window!

Yo Mama so old - heck, the first line of the Koran was mistranslated - it should read 'All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds and Father of Yo' Mama'...

Funny / Clean / Top Chuck Norris Jokes & Chuck Norris Facts

2009-03-27T02:58:00.001-07:00

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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Funny / Clean / Free Christian Jokes Humor

2009-03-27T02:56:00.000-07:00

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Father Brian, an elderly Catholic priest, was speaking to Father Karl, a younger priest, saying, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

Father Karl nods, and the old priest continues, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the rafters.'

'Thank you, Father Brian,' answers the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' comments Father Brian wisely. But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But, Father Brian,' protests the young Father Karl, 'My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Indeed,' replies the elderly priest, 'And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" cannot stay on the church roof.'

Darlene was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, 'Grandpa, did God make you?'

'Yes, darling,' he answered, 'God made me a long time ago.'

'Oh,' Darlene paused, 'Grandpa, did God make me too?'

'Yes, indeed, poppet,' he said, 'God made you just a little while ago.'

Feeling their respective faces again, Darlene observed, 'God's getting better at it, isn't he?'

May I ask a question?' Ben asked.
Of course, go ahead, ask your question,' replied the rabbi.

'Well, the Bible says that the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,' continued Ben, 'also that the children of Israel built the temple, the children of Israel did this and the children of Israel did that. Didn't the grown-ups ever do anything?'

Funny / Short / Clean Brunette Jokes & Redhead Jokes

2009-03-27T02:51:00.001-07:00

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Q: What's a brunette that has dyed her hair ?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A: It matches their mustache.

There was 3 girls on the run being chased by cops, they went in a barn and hid in 3 seperate potato bags.
The cops picked up the 1st bag and the auburn says "meow meow".
The cops said there's nothing in this bag except kittens they picked up the 2nd one and the brunette says, "woof woof"
The cops say there's nothing but puppys in this bag they picked up the 3rd one and the blonde says, "THERE"S NO-ONE IN HERE!"

Q: Why does a brunette have curtains on her PC?
A: To open windows

Q: Is it tru blonds have more fun?
A: No, they have ALL the fun.

Q: What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A: Invisible

Funny / Dumb / Short Blonde Jokes & Clean Ones also.

2009-03-27T02:43:00.000-07:00

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Q .. What's the Blonde's cheer?
A .. " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q .. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A .. To see what was on the other side.

Q .. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A .. From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

Q .. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A .. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q .. Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A .. She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Funny 40th / 50th / 60th &"Happy Birthday Jokes"& Birthday SMS

2009-03-27T02:39:00.003-07:00

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When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

My Husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that matched the color of his eyes - but where can you find a bloodshot tie?

My wife refuses to use Inter Flora for people's birthdays. She says she doesn't think people would like margarine as a present.

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
"Oh, I don't know," she said. "Just give me something with diamonds."
That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

Q: What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
A: "Happy Birthday To Gnu!"

"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Next time, take off the candles."

Q: Did you hear about the flag's birthday?
A: It was a flappy one!

Q: Did you hear about the tree's birthday?
A: It was a sappy one!

Q: What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake?
A: "Hey, what's eating you?"

Q: Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?
A: It was a tappy one!

Funny, Clean, A Man Walks Into Bar Jokes with Drinking Jokes

2009-03-27T02:39:00.001-07:00

If you are looking for Bar Jokes/joke than you are at right place.Here you can also find Into Bar Jokes, Walks Into A Bar Jokes, Walks Into Bar Jokes, Funny Bar Jokes, Short Bar Jokes, Dirty Bar Jokes, Guy Walks Into A Bar Jokes. So enjoy your stay here.

A Skeleton walks into a bar and says,
"Give me a beer and give me a mop.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says,
'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks surprised and says,
'You have a drink named Steve?'

A man walks into a bar swinging a set of jumper leads above his head.
The barman looks over and says
"You're not going to start anything in here, mate!"

Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.
One: "Whew, it's windy today!"
Two: "No. Today's Thursday!"
Three: "So am I! Let's go to a bar!

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"You're already out of your head."

Funny Animal Jokes / Dog Jokes / Pet Jokes

2009-03-27T02:37:00.000-07:00

If you are looking for Animal Jokes/joke than you are at right place.Here you can also find Animals Jokes, Funny Animals Jokes, Jokes On Animals . So enjoy your stay here.

A cat was running wildly down alleys, up fire escapes, down cellars and what-not. A neighbor knew whose cat it was and reported it. "Your cat is running around like mad."
"I know," answered the owner. "He's just been sterilized and he is canceling engagements."

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.
"Shit!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" to which the lady replied, "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?"

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch."Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.
The old man replied, "Nope."
So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."